Kyle's Rants: The Novel
by MarshieMello-Cookies
Summary: The untold story behind Kyle's Rants, where we find out exactly what inspires the red-headed Jew to rant.
1. The Epic Tale Begins!

**Hey there! If you haven't read Kyle's Rants, I'd suggest reading that before this, because you might get a bit lost with the plot. Screw that, really lost with the plot.**

**Also, I'm really, really sorry if I (Cookie) sound like an OC in this. It's just to help with the plot.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own South Park. Cartman's more likely to love and respect Judaism than I am to own South Park. The thoughts expressed in this are completely Kyle's.**

Life always seemed to have something in store. Around the next corner, something out of the blue would happen. Due to the fact that said occurrences tended to be so random, they may as well have come out of the rainbow, rather than the blue.

On most days, these occurrences would end up in Peru, the White House, Space, or even Alternate Dimensions. Extraordinary events that would blow the minds of any normal people would happen here on a weekly basis, earning either widespread chaos, or no fucks whatsoever.

However, something was wrong. Something was happening, something that truly was a rare occurrence to these parts. That something, was nothing.

Adults lazed about, attending to their jobs, before watching a shitty reality TV-show about duck-faced sluts, wondering why they were wasting their lives on such crap. Still, they didn't bother to move from the comforts of the couch.

Kids were far more bored, kids being the most easily bored beings on the planet. School provided little to no points of interest, and general gossip had died down to a point where the hottest scoop was nothing more than how they get all the squiggly lines in the carpet.

The video game creators had decided to be assholes, and make them wait until the Christmas period before releasing any new games. Completing Super Mario Brothers was now as easy as walking, due to playing the game several times. Parents tried to get their kids to shut up by giving them the Ultimate shut-up-your-kids device – The Almighty Rubik's Cube.

However, this impossible cube of doom was defenceless to the poster paint makeover.

In this small town, one specific kid was doing what every kid does when they are bored out of their minds. Search for their house of Google Maps, of course.

_Sou..th…..Pa…rk _. The red headed boy typed these words into the box, clicking on the enter button and waiting for the page to load.

"Have I really sunk to this level of boredom?" He asked himself out loud, while turning back to the screen. Several reports of past incidents popped up. Kyle smiled to himself, thinking back to when he actually had something to do. Back when shit like this happened constantly.

One particular heading caught his eye. One that, once he clicked on, would change his life in a way he would not expect.

"South Park Fanfiction Archive?" He muttered to himself, clicking the link to said site. His younger adopted brother ran down the hall, screaming the word 'gay' over and over, much to his mother's extreme displeasure. If only Kyle was aware of the heavy foreshadowing and the perfection of the timing.

' |unleash your imagination' was written in white text in a blue box above words such as Browse, Just-In and Communities.

Kyle slowly scrolled down. Was this some sort of documental site about his town of residence? He guessed that Browse referred to browsing the archives for information, and that the Communities was about the town's different communities.

On any other day, the last thing Kyle, or any person for that matter, would want to do is read some dull information on the town's history. During this period of nothing, however, paragraphs about the rock-loving founder of the town sounded like a rainbow sprinkle coated marshmallow unicorn.

The red-head scrolled down, scanning the text. He clicked on a box called 'All Characters A'. To his surprise, on clicking the small triangle beside it, a list of name's dropped down. The names of almost resident were listed in alphabetical order, starting with Annie, the blonde girl in his class.

Soft clicks filled the room as Kyle scrolled down to find his own name, lodged between 'Kindergarten Goth' and Cartman's Mom. A single click sounded through the room. The single click that would change his life in a way he would never have expected.

There were a few more soft clicks as the boy scrolled down. The tranquillity of the room was broken by a rather loud-

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

In any other case, the feared Sheila Broflovski would have burst into the room, screaming at her bubby for using profanity, rather than asking if her 'precious bubby' was alright, like other mother's. Of course, Sheila was nothing like the average mom, and was currently dealing with her adopted son's 'gay streak'.

Kyle would've felt sorry for his brother, knowing that his mom's fiery wrath was inevitable, and that Ike was doomed to a painfully long lecture. He definitely would've, if the content of his screen hadn't freaked him out as much as he would've thought.

He thought that the worst he could've found was private information about him; information that could only have been gotten from a certain Fatass' spying. It was worse than that. Far worse.

"Wha…Stan and me….kissing?!" The look of pure horror was evident on his face, but just like a crappy horror movie, he couldn't look away from it. Instead of running away, he sat, gawping at the summaries of what appeared to be stories.

"Making out….hugging….falling into a deep hole of depression…" He continued to think aloud, repeating the key words of the text he read. Anyone listening in on his conversation with himself would've thought he was summarising Twilight.

"OC's….More OC's….Another OC….What the fuck is an OC?" Kyle ranted to himself, making wild and melodramatic gestures at the screen, as if the screen was going to reply to him. It didn't.

"Fuck this, I need to rant" He announced to himself, going to Omegle. He vowed to never use Chat Roulette again after the past incident.

He quickly typed 'Rant' into the box, asking for his interests. Not long after, a girl appeared on the screen. Her hair was askew, a glasses were perched on the end of her nose. Kyle could tell from the look on her face that she was also in a ranting mood.

However, the pissed look on the girl's face melted when she looked at her partner.

"Kylie-boo?" She asked, a creepy looking grin spreading across her face.

Kyle looked at her with disbelief. How did she know his name? Was she one of _them_? Before he had time to even formulate a reply, the other girl began flapping her hands in a wild fashion.

"Holy frig Kylie, you look adorable!" She squealed, her eyes scrunched up in an over-excited expression.

"Who the fuck are you, and how do you know my name?" Kylie asked, taking note of the girl's background. Various plushies littered the shelf behind her, including one that looked freakishly similar to him.

"Who doesn't know who you are Kylie-boo?" She smiled brightly, pushing her glasses towards her face.

Kylie b- I mean, Kyle, pulled his famous 'What the fuck' face. The fact so many people knew about him scared him. How much did they know about his life, and how the fuck did they know?

"What the hell are you talking about? And stop calling me Kylie-boo" The girl pulled a look of confusion.

"You're Kyle Broflovski from South Park, right?"

Kyle stared at her. Was she a stalker or something? A past acquaintance? He doubted that, since her face was completely new to him.

"Oh! Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself! You can call me Cookie!" She smiled again, the creepy grin starting to freak him out.

"I highly doubt that's your real name, but anyway, how do you know who I am?"

"You know, South Park? The TV show where all the crazy shit happens?" Cookie answered plainly.

"TV Show? What the fuck?" Kyle looked dumbfounded. His life had become a TV show? He mentally prayed it was nothing like the horrors of the Kardashians or Honey Boo Boo.

"Anyway, you came here to rant, Kylie-boo?" Cookie paused, before continuing to speak, "I love ranting! Well, I don't really know, since I'm usually really pissy when I am ranting. But still, if you have to spend thirty hours a week with the biggest whores in Ireland, you'd be a pissy bitch too, right?"

Kyle tuned out during her mini-rant, only actually taking in the word 'Ireland'. He didn't hate the Irish, just the goddamn leprechaun that screwed things up for him during the whole 'Imaginationland' thing.

"So, if you're Irish, are you drunk or something?" Kyle interrupted her, wondering if alcohol played a part in her nonsensical rant. Cookie looked somewhat offended, but laughed after.

"And if you're American, shouldn't you be at McDonalds, scarfing down some burgers? Come on Kylie-boo, I thought you were above things like stereotypes?"

Now it was Kyle's turn to take some offence, as well as an opportunity to insult a certain Fatass.

"No, because Fatass would've eaten all the burgers before I had the chance" He smirked, proud of that little remark, "And yes, I'm above stereotypes. You just sound a little…out of sorts"

"Just high on the wonders of anime and sugar, Kylie-boo! Anyways, I have an idea! Do you know what fanfiction is?"

The mention of the word reminded Kyle of the actual reason he came here in the first place.

"That's why I'm here. What the fuck is that, and why the hell am I making out with Stan!" His original intention of ranting returned, and the rant switch inside his head flipped.

"Not just Stan, even though that's my favourite. Kenny, Craig, Cartman-" Cookie was suddenly interrupted when Kyle looked like he was going to pass out.

"Me…and..Fatass?" He shuddered violently.

"Yep! Well, I think this could work! You rant to me, and I'll post it on the site! The fangirls will love it!" Cookie looked extremely pleased with herself at the proposal.

"To get the message across that I'm not gay?" Kyle answered, colour returning to his face as the thoughts were pushed back.

"Well…uh sure, why not! It'll be fun! You can rant all you want Kylie-boo! Sounds like a good deal!" The fact that Cookie stuttered at the beginning of the sentence made Kyle question her original intentions, but he decided it would be for the best if he shrugged them off.

"Alright. On one condition- You stop calling me Kylie-boo"

"Then we have ourselves a deal!" Cookie gave the creepy smile again, which made Kyle rethink his deal. "Anything you want to begin with, for the first rant?"

"Well, I guess my hair. It looks…really different" Kyle lightly brushed a fiery curl that hung across his face, the thought of hair making him want to touch it, for some unknown reason.

"Okay! Well, commence the ranting!"

"What the fuck have I stumbled into?"

**The last line is the first line from Kyle's Rants. Other chapters will follow this. Thanks for reading! **


	2. A Wild Plot Has Appeared!

**Disclaimer: South Park is not mine. Kyle is more likely to willingly cross-dress, and tell his Mom he's gay than I am to own South Park.**

Somewhere, in some part of the world, a rant was posted onto a particular website. The individual who posted it had no idea of what their actions would spark off. Another individual, the one who spoke these words was also blissfully unaware, mainly because this person was asleep due to time zone difference.

Time flowed, as it always did so well, and these specific time zones had turned. The boy soon woke up, while the other did…something. The story isn't really about that other chick, so we'll just leave her out, unless she becomes a good plot device for later use.

Back to the story you guys actually came here for. Kyle rubbed his eyes, recollecting what had happened the night before. The dazed effect of sleep soon wore off, as he regained his senses, and the memories of what he had done in the run up to sleep. He groaned, flopping back into the pillow when he realised it hadn't all been a strange, fucked up dream.

After a brief moment of thought, he wondered if being in love with his male friends, (and the person he didn't count as a friend, but hung around with anyway) would technically be counted as a dream. He also began to wonder if staying up late on a school night to rant to a crazy girl was a good idea, feeling fatiguedand somewhat grumpy. He wouldn't call himself a morning person.

Kyle rested his fingers on his temples, slowly running them down to his cheeks, in a strange way of registering feeling after an uncomfortable night's sleep. He hastily pushed some stray curls back under his hat. He then rearranged his hat, after sleep had shifted it to the left side of his head, in a position that revealed too much hair for him to be comfortable with. He didn't care if those girls found it cute; he still despised those rebellious curls.

Getting up, he got dressed in his typical clothes, when a thought hit him like a stone through his window. Quite literally, a stone was thrown through his window, smacking him in the cheek, knocking the idea out of his head. This routine was new and irritating on high levels.

He approached the window, to find his _favourite_ chubby-buddy standing below. The lengths Cartman would go to, merely for the sake of starting Kyle's day in a shitty fashion, would amaze anyone.

"What the fuck do you want, Fatass?" Kyle called, the rock throwing of the past week now really getting to him.

"Ay Jew, get your Jew-ass down here for the goddamn bus!" The portly boy below yelled, his chin transforming from a double chin to a triple chin with each movement of his mouth. If you were to stand close enough, and examine his chin without him rudely slapping you away, you could even notice hints of a quadruple chin.

Kyle made a soft 'hmm' sound, and looked at the clock, surprised when he noticed how late he was. There went his thoughts of being up early after his late-night ranting.

"Fine, asshat" He shouted back, closing the curtains to disguise the shattered window. He was well aware that his mom would flip a table if she saw it. The last time she flipped a table, his father had unfortunately been seated at said table. It was truly a miracle that he hadn't broken his neck.

He scooped up his bag and trudged downstairs, passing Ike who was inhaling a bowl of Lucky Charms. The sight of the ginger mythical creature reminded him of a particular individual, and how said individual expressed distaste in the expensive price of the cereal in her own country.

"_I mean, it has a fucking leprechaun! And they're Irish! And the box costs £7, which is like, $10 to you!"_ He remembered her sob in her rant, which had gone far off the topic, and was constantly interrupted by 'hic' noises.

Kyle sighed to himself, the information he'd received yesterday constantly resurfacing and pestering him. He yelled a farewell to his parents, to have his mother reply to him if he had had breakfast. Kyle felt like he could do without the lecture, so he darted down the sidewalk before his mom could reach the door.

Once he slowed down to a normal paced walk, he found his chubby-buddy waiting, arms crossed and looking pissy.

"What took you so long Kahl!" He huffed, walking down the path, half covered in snow, some of which lay in a slushy pile.

"I was hoping you'd freeze and fuck off" Kyle answered plainly, despite the fact that he was aware it was only September.

Cartman would've made a comeback to this, if the infamous hooded-boy hadn't jumped up from a bush and landed piggyback style, with his arms around the portly boy's neck. Cartman squealed, in a girly fashion, causing Kenny to laugh loudly, almost losing his grip on Cartman. Fortunately for him, there was plenty to hold onto. The blonde smirked to himself at his perverted thought.

More laughter burst from the bush as Stan stood up from behind it, and pointed at Cartman, as he tried to pry the blonde from his neck.

"Dude, you sounded like a girl!" He laughed brightly, unaware of how his words rang through Kyle's mind. _Like a girl….like a girl….a girl…._

Kenny released his grip on the brunette, sliding down until his feet hit the snow with a soft crunch. The rest of the walk to the bus stop resulted in Cartman yelling at Kenny and Stan, who were ignoring his insults. Kyle followed, lost in his own thoughts.

He remembered the girl speaking of him being on a TV show. He wished he knew more of the topic, but the other girl had simply brushed it off, as if being secretly filmed and having your life turned into a TV show was nothing.

As he continued to think about it, he realised this was the first time he'd really thought about it. His mind had been too occupied with ranting, and after, he'd fallen asleep. His morning had been rushed, so much so that he hadn't even got breakfast.

"Kyle? Dude, you alright? The bus is here" Kyle was snapped back into reality as the custard bus rolled into view, like Stan has mentioned.

"Oh yeah, fine. Just thinking" He replied quickly, getting on the bus and plopping into the usual seat.

"About what? You seemed pretty distant there" Stan said, whilst looking at the familiar buildings pass by. Kyle shifted in his seat, sighing, before turning to face Stan.

"Hey Stan, have you ever thought someone was filming you? Like a secret reality-TV show?"

Stan's eyes widened a little, in a mix of confusion and wonder.

"Well, I guess when you mention that, yeah, I do. Usually it's just Dad trying to make 'precious family memories' though" He chuckled lightly, "But what's up? It's Cartman, am I right?"

"That's the thing…I don't really know. I don't really want to talk about it on the bus though, how about before class starts?"

Stan was speechless for a moment, aware that something was up with Kyle, like an awkwardness. He figured it had to be pretty important, and smiled, replying with 'Sure, Kyle'. Kyle smiled, looking out of the window, lost in thought once again.

The bus pulled up at South Park Elementary. Due to the fact that South Park was a small town, and was prone to accidents that caused numerous and constant repairs, the school fund was as dry as the old abandoned South Park pool. This caused middle school and the elementary to merge, running up to the ninth grade, which Kyle and the others were currently in.

As if staying in the same building wasn't bad enough, Garrison was their teacher once again as the staff thought it would be a 'good idea' to spend their last year with the teacher they'd spent so much time with in the past.

They'd all been overjoyed to have spent the past four years with different teachers, but this was just being dickish. None of them wanted to spend their last year with Garrison, but since they couldn't do anything, they had all resigned to the fact that the year was going to be ridiculously boring once again.

Like they had agreed, Stan and Kyle had begun to walk to the back of the school building to talk in private.

"Hey guys, look, the fags are going to make out!" Cartman pointed the boys out, chortling loudly. Others turned to look in a half-assed fashion, no one really caring as the joke was old and overused. Kyle, however, took a very opposite reaction to his usual 'Fuck off Fatass'.

Instead, he angrily marched to the laughing boy, punching him hard in the chin, before storming off to join Stan near the bins, leaving a shocked crowd and a wailing baby whal- I mean, young boy.

"JESUS CHRIST! Kyle, what's up? You never got that pissed off before!" Stan too was clearly in shock at Kyle's outburst, Kyle himself not even quite sure what had even happened.

"Stan, last night I met a girl online. I don't know if she's just fucking crazy, but she knows my name, and yours, and everything about the town, school, and us in general. She said were on some TV show, and I don't even know any more"

The World-Record holder for longest jaw-drop shuddered, as they felt their record be shattered by a young boy in Colorado.

"What?!" Stan gawped, mind-fucked, "No fucking way dude, that's not funny"

"Stan, I'm serious. What if they're filming what we do? Our existence could be like Honey Fucking Boo Boo!"

There was a brief silence, as the thoughts of that particular child cursed with an awful name arose.

"Okay Kyle, I believe you. But maybe she's from around here? She could just be someone from a nearby town…who happens to be stalkish"

"I don't know…She claimed to be from Ireland and currently living there" Kyle contemplated on telling Stan about the 'fanfictions' and 'fanarts', Despite the fact that they told each other everything, he figured it would probably be better for their friendship if he didn't know.

Kyle then turned to the direction of the crowd, enveloping the Fatass who he'd just beat up. It was a sudden reflex from what he'd heard about, nothing he'd meant to do. He wanted to beat the shit out of him, but his morals stopped him from doing so.

He began to panic, knowing what was to come. He'd tried so hard not to get into trouble, and used self-restraint that many dieters would envy. If Cartman told, Mackey would drag _her _here. She was an infamous ball of fury, a raging typhoon, an angry Jewish mom, known and feared by many, and who went by the utterly terrifying name of Sheila.

"Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Kyle began to flail his arms, freaking out. He knew that sly bastard would enjoy every second of his torture, even going as far as putting on an innocent act to make his mom go harder on him. The thought of her 'bubby' using violence would result in his 'violent' video games being taken away, as they were apparently a bad influence. That wasn't nearly the worst part though.

"My mom is going to fucking kill me!" He said, whilst sneaking a glance at the boy who was wailing like a child lost in Walmart.

"Dude, calm down! Just…just…" Stan trailed off when he hit the brick wall of realisation. Everyone had witnessed it, so there was no way they could pull a bullshit excuse to get out of it.

Kyle sighed, as the bell rang and the two made their way to class. It was only a matter of minutes before the telephone call that decided his fate was made.

"Hey Kyle, I'll meet you up in class. I gotta go the toilets" Stan smiled, heading down the left hallway.

"Sure, see ya" Kyle replied. The door of the janitor's closet slowly creaked open. Being too lost in thoughts of how he was going to be punished, Kyle took no notice until he was smacked in the face by a wet mop, and dragged into the closet.

"What the fuck?!" Kyle was oh-so pleasantly surprised by his 'kidnapping', and what clearly overjoyed to see the person he'd just beaten the shit out of was in front of him.

"Well, well, well-ity, well well Kahl! Nice of you to join me!" The red-headed boy, who was comfortably sitting with his ass stuck in a bucket, glared back at him.

"Dude, what's the point of getting revenge now if my mom is going to kick my ass later?" He mumbled, occupied with trying to release himself from the annoyingly tight bucket.

"Well Kahl, I've have a proposal for you. It might be in your favour, so I suggest you listen" Kyle grumbled, not wanting to get involved in any of these hair-brained schemes, but decided to listen anyway, seeing as he was trapped in a goddamn bucket pretty tightly.

"I won't tell anyone of this morning's activities if you do something in exchange for me" The smirk, and that sadistic look in his eyes was enough to prove his intentions weren't all so innocent.

"What do you want me to do then?" The last thing Kyle wanted was to become Cartman's personal slave, but if the offer seemed to be the answer to his problems. Seemed.

"I haven't really thought about it yet, but I'll know when the time's right. So what do you say Kahl? You can pussy out anytime you want, but if you do…" Halfway through his planned speech, he turned his back to Kyle, giving him a sideways glance as he trailed off, in a fashion that would've been intimidating if he was a supermodel with a gun, like in the Bond movies. The pose on a fat young boy was only revealing how much his stomach stuck out. His expression made up for it.

Kyle thought for a few seconds, his thought train speeding so fast that it probably would've de-railed if it was any other train. If he agreed, he'd be free from the She-Dragon known as his mom, but he'd be stuck with some humiliating scheme of Cartman's instead.

His best guess was that it would be something stupid, like buy him 10 Big Macs, or a year's worth of Cheesy Poofs and Pot-Pies. If in the likely case of it being food-related, he figured that he may as well stuff them with laxatives and get some enjoyment from it.

"Fine" Kyle sighed, after weighing up his options, "Now help me out of this goddamn bucket"

Cartman held his hand out to Kyle, pulling him up with a jerk that nearly ripped his arm from the socket.

"Wise choice. The glue-in-the-bucket is a great substitute to rope, don't you agree? So much quicker" Kyle's glare intensified, as he came out of the closet and quickly walked to class, the chubbier boy trying to keep up with his fast paced walk.

On opening the door, all eyes turned to face the two boys as they took their seats.

"There you boys are! Now, onto this next project I was explaining" Garrison stood, writing the words 'The Modern Teenager' on the board.

"Now, because teenagers nowadays are such little assholes, we have been told that you have to do this project, so we don't fuck you up like the last generation. Get into groups of four, girls in one group, boys in the other, and then I'll explain more"

Stan and Kyle instantly shuffled their desks closer together, Kenny joining them, along with Cartman. The regular group.

The girls, after some bitchy arguments about who should be in each group, finally settled down. Tweek, along with Craig, Token and Clyde all sat together, listening to Tweek telling them of how the project was going to take them away, brainwash them, and turn them into perfect teenagers.

"Alright! Everyone's grouped up. Okay so, each team must research the typical traits of teenagers, and different stereotypical groups. Stuff like relationships, hygiene, and being a general lazy asshole. Boys, you have to do about teenage girls, and girls, you do about boys. Now start planning or something, project's due in four weeks"

And with that, Garrison plonked down and began to read a magazine. The groups turned around to face each other, and the classroom was filled with a loud, mixed buzz of chatter.

"Noisy little bastards…" Garrison muttered, putting on some earplugs and continuing to ignore the class.

Kyle gave Cartman a warning glare. He could tell from sneer on his chubby face that he had things planned for him. Things that were a lot more sinister than simply buying food from the dreaded Walmart.

"Well guys, I think we should choose someone to be a model, and act like our teenage girl" Cartman leered, his eyes fixed on a particular red-headed Jew.

"I'm up for it!" Kenny leaned forward, an eager look in his eye. "I'll find my princess costume, it'll be awesome!"

"Kenneh, only little girls wear princess costumes. Kahl? What about you? I mean, your mom won't know if you do…" Kyle felt like smacking his head on the desk. Everyone but himself and that fat-assed bastard knew what was going on. Stan would've noticed, if he wasn't so busy consoling Kenny, who was wailing like the time Cartman ate their chicken skins.

That dick-sucking ass-faced sly, evil, conniving son of whore had played him like a fucking chess piece. Cartman pointed to Garrison, his sadistic smile widening. If he disagreed, he was fucked. His mom, or his morals?

"Fine, _you sadistic son of a bitch_" Kyle muttered the last words under his breath, clenching his fists, aware of the shit he'd just signed up for.

Kyle slumped onto his bed, throwing his bag into an unknown corner of the room. The day had dragged on painfully slow, with his thoughts gnawing at him. Gnawing at the rant section of his mind, until that section, which was full due to the day's festivities, burst. When his ranting side exploded, so did Kyle.

'_Fuck…I need to rant about this. I mean, it's bad enough that these fangirls make me a chick and cross-dress, but now it's becoming a fucking reality!' _He internally began his rant, until he remembered a thought from this morning. The thought had been literally knocked out of his from a rock, and only now did he recall it.

Wandering to the large mirror, he carefully inspected himself. He quickly turned to see if anyone was watching. He'd be fucked if anyone caught him doing what he was about to do.

Satisfied that the coast was clear, he bent his fingers into peace signs, stuck his tongue out at an angle, and stood on one foot, the other bent high like a cheerleader. After a few seconds inspection, he changed poses, putting his hands onto his hips, and leaning to one side.

He took a deep breath, about to pull the most feared girly pose of all. He pulled out his phone, extended his arm and tilted it to an awkward angle. He hunched down slightly, turning his head so his neck was nearly touching his shoulders, and then pursed his lips into the forbidden 'duckface position'.

"GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY!" Ike burst into the room. Kyle let out a squeak of shock, and utter horror at being seen in such a degrading way.

"Ike, you saw nothing. A week's worth of candy is all yours if you say nothing of this." Kyle said slowly, eying his younger brother carefully.

"I expect that candy in my room tomorrow" Ike then left the room, leaving Kyle in wallowing in self-pity for being caught.

'_No…I don't look like a chick. No. Just no.' _Kyle told himself, as he sat down to his computer, with his mind set in ranting mode. After turning the machine on, he found three new emails from the girl he'd formed a deal with.

Clicking the last one, he read the message.

_Hey Kyle! See, I didn't directly call you Kylie-boo this time! Anyway, your rants are a hit! Feed the fury and rant, keep that in mind, okays?_

"A hit?" He mumbled to himself, absent-mindedly clicking the second.

_Hey, it's me again! Any ideas for ranting? Don't want to keep the fangirls on hold, do we?_

Kyle smiled to himself. He had a fucking truckload of things to rant. Then, he clicked on the final message, sent only seventeen minutes ago.

_I have an idea! I set up this private chatroom, so you we can do all that ranting and shit and I'll copy and paste, and do all the editing shit! Best of all, you don't have to worry about us being on at the same time! Aren't I a freaking genius? _

_Click on this sentence here to go to the link!_

Sure enough, the final sentence was a shade of deep blue, and underlined. He clicked on the link, to be directed to a site. On the top of page, the title of the private chatroom was titled _'EW, LYK, YAOI SUCKS!11!LOL'_

'_So…reverse psychology then? What the fuck even is yaoi?' _Kyle thought, beginning to type into the text-box beside his name, which had somehow already been set up.

A text box with the name 'Cookie' beside it popped up.

'_Hey Kyle! So, how are you?' _

Kyle's ranting side finally unleashed on the poor, innocent keyboard.

'_Oh, just fucking great! I get into shit with Fatass, and now we have to do some project, and I'm stuck having to fucking crossdress! If I don't, then I'm screwed! You know how this shit all started? Fucking FanFiction, that's how! And yaoi! What the fuck is yaoi! I don't fucking know! And Ike saw me do something stupid, so now I've got to get him some fucking candy! I'm just great right now, thanks for asking.;_

The red-head paused, flexing his fingers, which were already sore from the rapid speed at which he was typing.

'_Ok then, where was I? Oh yeah, being the girl…'_

**A/N: I'M READY TO CRY TEARS OF JOY AND FLIP A TABLE. Firstly, thank you for your patience! It took me forever writing this, for reasons I am about to list.**

**You see, Chapter 1 was a solid beginning but after that, the plot took five different directions. I've taken my time trying to decide which one was the best, and came up with this one. Trust me, I've got a lot of shit planned!**

**Plot Direction 2, if you'd like to know, was about South Park being overrun with memes, and Kyle having to appease the internet Gods by ranting! I think I may turn this into a separate story though since it has potential.**

**Another reason is that I suck at writing long things. I'm practically crying tears of joy that this single chapter is over 3000 words!**

**Now, my annoying note is near an end, but I'd like to mention that I'll try to publish the next Kyle's Rants along with this one in the future. However, I'm pooped from writing this chappie, so the next Kyle's Rants will be out later.**

**Thank you for taking your time to read this!**


	3. The Decaying Rose of Everlasting Misery

**Disclaimer: Kyle is more likely to willingly become an emo and hang with the Goth kids than I am to ever get a date- I mean, own South Park.**

Kyle raked a hand through the hair that was not held captive under the ever-present hat. He found this is to be a horribly bad idea after getting his fingers stuck in the fiery leeches.

He walked alone, through the cold streets of town, a paper bag of various candies clutched in the hand that had been spared from the evil curls. When Ike said he wanted candy, he didn't just mean a few Twizzlers and Twinkies. Hell no. When it came to candy eating, Ike was a stiff rival for the store's best customer, Eric Cartman.

Reeses, Hershey's, Cookie Dough Bites, Butterfingers, Teddy Grahams, the list could go on and on. Kyle bit his lip at the thought of Ike's taunting face once he gave him the goddamn candy. Ike would give him _the look. _The look that said, 'Rant about how awful this is for my health and I'll tell Mom'.

Whilst walking along, he formulated a lengthy rant in his head of how the cavities would kick his ass eventually. Then he'd be sorry, oh yes. Then he'd think twice before eating a whole fucking tub of peanut butter with a spoon.

Of course, he'd never give that rant to Cartman. He'd much rather wait at the side-lines until the acid rotted his teeth to the nerve. Then he'd smirk with sadistic pleasure as that fat asshole got what was coming to him.

Busy lost in his thoughts, Kyle hadn't noticed a certain figure approach him, until he landed face first on the pavement.

"DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK!" He cried, glad he'd rolled the candy bag up tightly. He glowered at the orange-clad boy, who was currently sitting rather comfortably on his back.

"Hey Kyle! Got any candy to spare?" It was obvious from that tone of voice that Kenny was quite determined to get himself some free food. Who didn't love free food? You can eat it, and if you don't like it, you can throw it at people you don't like!

Of course, Kenny being Kenny, the former seemed more likely.

"Kenny, get the fuck off me. The ground's cold and wet, if you haven't noticed" Kyle said, in a matter-of-fact tone. Kenny laughed, and held out his hand.

"Asshole…"Kyle muttered, giving the blonde a Reese's Cup. Kenny immediately leapt off the boy, helping him up with the cheesiest grin on his face.

"Thanks man! Karen will love this! Seeya later!" Kenny grinned, running off in the direction of his household. Kyle gave a soft smile, wiping down his clothes. It was sweet that Kenny would do that for his sister. Unlike Ike, who was costing him twenty goddamn bucks to keep his 'little mishaps' under wraps, rather than do it free like a nice brother would. Still, $20 was better than the humiliation of anyone else knowing of what had happened.

Once he got back home, he softly treaded to the back door. Stuffing the pastel pinstripe paper bag into his coat, he opened it with the greatest care. He didn't feel like explaining why he was out to his Mom, and the 'going for a walk' excuse was getting old.

When inside, he closed the door gently, looking around for any signs of life. Seeing that the coast was clear, he scampered up the stairs, into Ike's room. Ike raised his hand expectantly, for Kyle to sigh and hand him the slightly crumpled bag from inside his coat.

"Hey Kyle?" Ike asked, just as said person turned to leave. Kyle looked back. "Please, for the sake of humanity, never pull a duck-face again"

Kyle growled, shooting a threatening look at Ike. Ike grinned, helping himself to the various treats. Leaving the room, Kyle returned to his own, only to have his phone ring in his pocket. He flinched slightly, the un-expectancy of it knocking him off guard.

He looked at the screen, which held a small box containing the words, _'1 New SMS – Stan'._ Tapping the box, he began read the message.

'_Hey Ky, want to meet me at Starks in 20 mins? I have to tell you something'_.

The red-head couldn't help but smirk to himself. It was nice to know Stan actually took his rant on correct grammar seriously. If the 'you' in that sentence was spelt as 'u', Kyle would typically text a brief rant on the correct usage of the word. It was something he couldn't help but do.

'_Sure dude, see you there' _He replied, stuffing the phone back into his pocket, before thinking of something.

'_That sounded like another one of those awful fanfics…' _He thought, mentally smacking himself for thinking such a thing. Ever since his first encounter with fanfiction, Kyle found himself actually reading some, out of curiosity and fuel for ranting.

He was now wishing he hadn't. Besides, how was he to know what 'Style' was? Anyone would be curious if a particular word was in capital letters and in a sentence of its own at the end of a paragraph.

Shaking his head, he set off down the stairs. When he reached the door, he stopped, and shouted,

"Hey mom! I'm gonna see Stan, ok?" After a brief moment's silence, the reply came back.

"Okay bubba! Just be back before dinner, alright?" Sheila, being used to her son's close relationship with the young Marsh, was accustomed to these frequent meetings.

With that, Kyle set out to the familiar stretch of water. It was a brief walk, not as long as the one to the candy store, but longer than the daily trip to the bus stop. Kyle breathed, watching the cloud of steam arise and disappear as soon as it came.

It was a common thing he'd do to entertain himself as he walked to various spots. He remember when he was just in kindergarten, pretending he was a dragon with Stan. Old bittersweet memories, reminding him of just how old he was…

Before long, he found himself at the wooden sign. That was another quirk about his chaotic town; all the signs were made of wood, and were lettered with black paint. There was a point in time where there were metal signs, professional and bold looking, but after a fire incident, they were scrapped, and the signs that added the town's personality were introduced.

'Stark's Pond' the quaint little sign read. Kyle walked over to the old bench, littered with graffiti, like initials in hearts and words like 'Fuck you'. There was also a phone number, with the message '_Want to fuck? Call me'._

'_Wait…isn't that Cartman's house number?' _Kyle thought to himself, strangely unsurprised, but believing that Liane had more class than to advertise herself on a bench.

He continued to ponder various things, such as why Stan had wanted to meet him here. What could possibly that important? As of now, discovering the truth behind the apparent 'TV show' was the main priority. Ever since it was first mentioned, it had always been eating away at his mind.

Hearing soft crunches of snow, Kyle turned to see his best friend, holding a metal detector. Stan gave a goofy grin, whilst Kyle gave his infamous 'What is this fuckery?' face.

"Okay dude, thanks for coming" Stan smiled, propping the device against the old tree, which was covered in engravings much like the bench before it.

"What's up with the metal detector?" Kyle asked, pointing to the aforementioned device resting against the wood.

"Well, Dad was giving away his old shit, so I took this. I figured we could look for cameras, you know? Then we could find the source of the guys filming us"

"Yeah! That could work!" Kyle beamed, feeling a little excited at the thought of having something to do. "But aren't there a shit ton of metal things around?"

"Well, yeah, but if we just used it around bushes and hidden places it might work, right?" Stan paused for a moment, "One more thing…I looked up South Park TV show, but nothing came up? Weird, huh?" Stan rubbed the back of his neck while saying this, smiling awkwardly.

Kyle paused for a minute. Stan was right. How did he even know a show really existed? He only knew that these people knew everything about them and everything they'd done, but had he actually ever seen a clip of this said show?

"Yeah…still, let's give it a shot. We might find some pretty cool shit" Kyle shrugged. Stan grabbed the detector, fumbling with the switches, before turning a few on. This emitted a loud buzz from the machine, which soon died down to a dull hum, slowly beeping.

"Well, nothing here" Stan said, beginning to walk through the path of previously made footprints. Kyle followed, trudging along. After a few brief minutes, Kyle began to wonder if zip-lining was any more fun than this, but remembering what had happened the fateful day they had done said activity, he figured that seeing Cartman naked could be the only thing more terrifying.

Stan exhaled deeply, as so far, nothing had happened. They'd skimmed flower beds, trees, hedges and even the park equipment, yet they got nothing. The park seemed bare and lifeless.

"Dude, we're not really getting anywhere" Kyle moaned, the boredom of unsuccessful hunting getting to him. He kept reminding himself that nothing could be more boring than zip-lining, over and over, to prove that this wasn't all that bad. It was working like a corpse in an office – Not at all.

"Come on, just a bit more. Let's check around the school, I'm sure we'll find something there" Stan urged him on, despite he himself was getting ridiculously bored. After the walk to the school, they continued to wander with the metal detector, like a bunch of nerdy idiots. Because of course, only nerdy idiots or people with old metal fetishes would go to the trouble of actually using a metal detector.

Belief in the device wavering, Stan contemplated giving up, when all of a sudden, the most god-awfully annoying beep you could ever possibly imagine screeched from within the machine. The blaring racket sounded worse than Justin Bieber performing a duet with a crying baby and an alarm clock. Yes, it was that bad.

"Fuck!" Stan cried, swinging the pole violently into a wall, where it surprisingly didn't smash. "How do you turn this thing off!" He yelled, finding no off switch. That explained why his dad was so keen to give it away…

"Let's follow it! It's the first fucking thing we've got, and anything to shut it up!" Kyle shouted, squishing his hat against his ears to block the clatter. The two began charging towards the direction off the beep, with the metal detector raised like an almighty sword as they charged to battle the awful sound. Nerds shivered at the sheer awesome, nerdy goodness of it.

The Warrior and the High Jew Elf…wait, that's the Stick of Truth. Never mind. Back to the story, much to the disappointment of the nerds, wizards, warriors and elves.

Racing down the streets, Stan and Kyle chased after the beep, whilst angry old people yelled at them, waving their slippers and walking sticks in a truly terrifying manner, screaming 'Get off my lawn, dammit!' in an elderly type voice, that would make you shit yourself with fear.

The beeping reached its highest volume, signalling they were close.

"Dude, it's coming from that garage!" Kyle yelled, pointing in the direction of a garage not too far off. They ran to it, pleading that the fucking machine would stop. They screeched to a halt outside the garage, just as the metal detector screeched it's loudest before stopping completely at someone's feet.

The two looked up, to see that the glorious feet that had stopped the ungodly noise were none other than that of Henrietta, the female Goth kid.

"What are you conformist Justin-Bieber wannabe's doing here?" She said, clearly not pleased and holding a microphone.

"Our metal detector led us here" Stan answered back, looking at the others. The Goth kids were all together in the garage, each with instruments, and a banner saying 'The Decaying Rose of Everlasting Misery' was pinned on the wall.

Kyle, of course, was no stupid idiot, unlike most of the other citizens of his town. It didn't take him long until he put two and two together; _Metal _detector led them to a _metal_ band.

"You're fucking kidding me. Who the fuck invents a _metal music_ detector?!" Kyle shouted; hands clenched in the 'My ranting power is currently over 9000' position.

"I don't know, like, someone who has, like, a good taste in music, instead of that conformist One Direction crap?" The red-haired Goth, Dylan, answered plainly, ignoring the rhetorical sense of the question and flipping his hair.

Kyle was about to argue, telling them not all music sucked, until he thought of the many auto-tuned artists in the Charts.

"So, are you done standing there, trying to bring your conformism to our darkened lair of anguish and despair?" Ethan, the tallest of the Gothic clique said nonchalantly.

"Sheesh, no need to be so depressing" Kyle muttered, "And you're in a fucking garage, not a goddamn dark lair"

"You don't need to break our delusions on this cruel reality. We shroud ourselves in our non-conformist realm to stay away from you pathetic wannabes" Henrietta said coldly, "If you think you conformists are so great, and that the world is so beautiful, then skip and proclaim it"

Kyle gaped at her. Why the fuck would he do something so…faggy? Sure he did the posing which-shall-never-be-mentioned, but that was private (or at least meant to be), and he was standing rather obviously in the middle of the street.

"Well, like, go and do it. Tell us that life is beautiful, and that you're happy, or you're no better than us" Dylan said, adding his Trademarked hair flip to the end of the sentence.

This really hit home with Kyle. When it came to an argument, the thing he hated most if all was being proven as no better than the others, in this case, the Goths. He mentally seethed at the thought that the Goth kids, and their 'anti-everything' attitude, being better than him. I mean, sure, he could be a downer, but at least he could see the bright side of things too!

"Fine" He huffed, beginning to skip around in circles. Stan just stood and watched, not really sure off what to do. He thought of stopping Kyle, but if this was his choice, was it really up to him to stop him?

"Life is beautiful. I love life. Yay." Kyle spoke in a tone so bland, Craig Tucker would've have been dully glaring at him with a dull hatred for trying to steal his bland-ness.

Once his five second skip was complete, he stopped, and turned to face them, arms crossed.

"There, happy? Or just more depressed, if that's happiness in your terms"

All four of the Goths stared at him for a few seconds, before Ethan spoke up.

"It's obvious from your lack of enthusiasm, that you lie. You lie like your conformist God, and your fake magazines, full of deceit" He said, staring dully at the fuming Jew.

"Fuck you then! I'm nothing like you faggy douches! C'mon Stan, let's go" Kyle stormed off, not pleased at losing an argument. Before leaving, he protruded his middle finger to the four. Flipping off and speaking dully? Craig, if he was in the area, would not have been very amused.

_-Magical time skip-_

Kyle was fuming, furiously pounding the already damaged keys of the keyboard. The vowels were already rubbing off from heavy usuage.

"Those faggy fags are just so…!" Kyle stopped, trying to find the right word. However, when in a pissed off mood, finding words becomes like a monkey on a treadmill – Confused and tripping around.

"GAY! GAY! GAY!" Ike screamed down the hallway, ending Kyle's sentence so utterly perfectly.

"Yes! Fucking gay fags, with their fucking dyed hair, and poetry!" He hissed, continuing to list ways of how 'gay' the rainbow-hating Goths were.

"Those…._people_ better not have me with my tongue down any of their throats!" Kyle's continual rant went on, as he reached the FanFiction site.

"Those unbelievable sons and daughters of bitches" He gaped, staring at the horror of the plain text. The graphic mental images they contained where much more horrific.

Exiting the site before he exploded, Kyle clicked the saved link to a particular chatroom.

'_I'm starting to wonder if the Internet is where all the insane people go'…_

**A/N: Wow, I have no idea where that sudden burst of rage came from. I think Kylie-boo's getting attacked by the evils of hormones.**


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